The Parent's Role in the Junior Player/Parent/Coach Equation¹

Being a teenager in addition to being wrapped up in the highly pressurized world of state or even regional competitive sports is hard enough. Piling up demands, expecting the youth to work harder and win more often, is one of the most fundamental mistakes a parent or a coach can make. Putting such a pressure on the child adds to the anxiety level and the already existing burden that is hampering the youth's progress and performance. Most of us, adults and youngsters alike, perform best under a certain level of positive stress. When parents and coaches accentuate the fun aspects of competitive soccer or any other sport, along with the innate value of playing the game, they help the child stay within the limits of the "positive stress zone." The more successful the adults are in these efforts, the more likely they are to see the youngster succeed in competitive sports and the more likely they are to see the child thrive outside the sport environment.

A survey of participants at the Omega Easter Bowl tennis tournament in Miami, Florida (Finn, 1987, USA Today, April 16), revealed that over 70 percent of the tennis parents were spending in excess of $5,000 per year on tennis practices and 31.3 percent spend well over $10,000 annually. Tuition for participation in soccer clubs, for example, has been steadily on the rise. It is not uncommon to be charged as much as $1,500.00 a season (travel and other expenses not included). These days the development of a top athletes in any sport requires a substantial financial commitment by parents. It is not surprising, therefore, that many parents view their child's port experience as a long term investment. Hundreds of colleges and many prestigious academic institutions are actively recruiting student athletes. A direct result is that a 10 or 13-year-old becomes responsible for a $5,000.00 or in today's reality in sports like tennis a $20,000 - $30,000 a year investment. The youngster is then expected to deliver, if not by winning then at least by putting extra effort and readiness to make personal sacrifices.

Participation in competitive sports is a life experience that should prove invaluable to the young athlete as a developing, maturing person. As the sport "experience turns into a financial investment with an expected return, the greater the likelihood it will get completely off track (Quin & Groppel, 1989, p. 279)." Al Rosen a former major league baseball player pointed out that parents should keep losing as well as winning in perspective. Parents should not get angry and irritable when their child doesn't play well and loses, and neither should parents get too excited when their child wins. "Most importantly, [parents] should never tie special privileges or rewards to winning. One of the most damaging practices of parents is to withdraw attention, love, or affection when their children lose. This kind of pressure can have significant short-term and long-term negative consequences for the athletes. [Children] quickly realize they are no longer competing to win the match, but rather to win the love and approval of their parents (Quin & Groppel, 1989, p. 280)."

Some parents tend to live vicariously through their child's sport experience. Parent's ego confusion with the child's is evident in situations where the parents uses language such as "Who or where are we playing today?" or "We had a great game today!" The parent's ability to let go, allow the child to act independently and assume responsibility for both success and failure, on and off the field, is a crucial aspect of the youngster's growth and development as an athlete and as a human being. A child cannot drive to a remote playoff location. He/she can, however, find out against whom, where, and when he/she is competing. And, when a parent is asked about her/his child's performance, I suggest he/she replies with "Here, why don't you ask her/him; getting to watch her/him compete is always a pleasure for me."

Al Rosen also suggested the following questions as a reminder of the scope of parental responsibility and involvement in their child's sport: Can the parents give up their child? Can the parents admit their shortcomings? As Quin and Groppel (1989) point out, parenting in itself is a challenging task; coaching and parenting at the same time may be overwhelming for most parents. Once the parent has entrusted the child to a coach, however, the parent is expected to take a back seat, or even better yet, stay away and let the coach do the coaching. A parent that is actively involved in his child's training process is inadvertently undermining the coach's authority.

Quin and Groppel (1989) argue that when parents take notes or videotape their child sports activities, they "may think they are helping, but...these seemingly harmless practices often create more performance problems for their kids (pp. 280-281)." Parents that "never miss a practice or a game" create a level of commitment that is often much higher than what would be considered appropriate for a child. Remarkably successful athletes, such as, Mark Spitz, Michael Jordan, Pete Sampras, the Williams sisters to name a few, were very focused, and driven young athletes. They are the exception. Your and my children are "normal" and well adjusted despite the fact that they may not approach sports as some of us would have liked them to. Sport and competition for the vast majority of children, as numerous studies keep reminding us, is a time to feel competent, to have fun, and to be actively engaged. Most children do not perceive sports as an end in itself; as a career or a job. On the contrary, expressions, such as, "playful," "make believe," "non-threatening," best describe the average child's expectation from sports. It is therefore crucial that parents take the time to periodically ask the child about her/his aspirations and expectation from the sport experience. The sport parent should be carful to avoid the naive assumption that what he/she thinks is best for their child must naturally represent their child's wishes.

American Youth and Sports Participation Study²

A Study of 10,000 Students and their Feelings About Sports:

• Why they participate
• Why they quit
• How they feel about winning
• How motivations differ
• What adults can do

Winning: It Gets Low Grades

• Winning, the most publicized and sought-after goal in sports, is actually a relatively poor motivator for most junior and senior high school students. The "American Youth and Sport Participation" study suggests that the path to excellent performance lies in motivating young people to embrace self-improvement.
• In several different questions probing reasons for being involved in sports, winning never ranked higher than seventh. Other rewards, from improving skills to gaining recognition to getting exercise, ranked higher.